The Wilner Clusterf--k

That's the only title I can give to pollster/addict Jon Wilner's continuing ballot catastrophe. Each week, he manages to mangle his top 25 to offend me in a different way. It's actually quite impressive. This skill has convinced me that Jon Wilner is either a Jedi or a high school dropout. Either way, I don't understand him.

Here is the latest masterpiece:

1. LSU
2. Oklahoma
3. Oregon

Three very good football teams. Also, three football teams who have lost a game this season. If you're putting together a poll like this, you're essentially telling me you don't give two shits about the actual games. You're just making a completely arbitrary judgment on which team you think is best. There HAS to be some way to prove yourself during the season. Could it be, I don't know, win all your games?

4. Boston College
5. Ohio State

Hey, look what I found here: undefeated teams!

6. Missouri

Just garbage.

7. South Florida

One ranking I agree with. But I would never tell Jon that, just because if I ever did, he'd think we were best friends and buy a tandem-bicycle. I have a hard enough time getting laid without a tandem-bike, thank you very much.

8. Florida
9. Kansas
10. Kentucky

2-loss team, undefeated team, 2-loss team. Does this make any sense? When little children ask me why their parents got divorced, I always tell them, "because of Jon Wilner." I haven't seen any benefits yet, but one of those little rugrats will eventually grow up, hunt this guy down, and shoot him. You got to plant that seed and watch it grow.

11. West Virginia

Sigh. Wilner is slowly extinguishing my will to live. Luckily, every once in awhile, there's a story about a girl getting fingered at a football game and my life is reborn, but in that meantime, it's tough.

Jon Wilner Loves Smack

...or crack, or meth, or something.

Seriously, what is this guy's problem? What did the world do to piss this guy off so badly? What drugs is he on? Because only an addict or an angry man could conceive of an AP Top 25 Ballot so silly that it makes my hair hurt.

If you remember, we've already had our problems with this guy before. We just assumed he was experimenting and eventually he would grow out of this drug phase. We were wrong.

Take it away this week, crackhead:

1. LSU

OK, I'm just going to stop right there. LSU lost last week. That's all I need to say.

This guy is a fucking joke. Take his guns and his vote away from him. If he keeps sending in these polls, by the end of the season he's going to be involved in a standoff at a ranch somewhere outside of San Jose. My bet is on the ATF, not Jon Wilner.

You're On Crack: Jon Wilner Edition

John Wilner writes for the San Jose Mercury in San Jose, California. Also, he's addicted to crack. Unfortunately, the Associated Press has seen fit to empower this crack addict with his very own AP Poll vote. Hooray for affirmative action. Now, instead of women and minorities, they're helping out those with an insatiable crank fix.

Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here is his ballot:

1 Southern Cal
2 LSU
3 Oklahoma

OK, so far, so good.

4 South Carolina

And we officially have a train wreck. Listen, I'm a South Carolina (and Steve Spurrier) fan, but any Blake Mitchell quarterbacked team is more likely to get a DUI than be ranked in the top 5.

5 Wisconsin

Almost lost to The fucking Citadel.

6 Alabama
7 Florida

That's right, Alabama AHEAD of Florida. And by the way, have you noticed we haven't seen WVU yet?

8 California
9 Penn St.
10 Oregon
11 Texas
12 Boston College

Still looking for WVU.

13 Nebraska

What. The. Fuck. Nebraska lost a game. They actually got blown out. Sure it was by the #1 team in the country, but they looked awful doing it. So, I repeat. What the fuck?

14 Ohio St.

Still looking.

15 West Virginia

There we go. Remember boys and girls, West Virginia is the 15th best team in the country. We would definitely not beat Nebraska or Boston College or Texas because those teams are ranked ahead of us. And Jon Wilner controls the college football universe. That prick.

But just because he's screwing WVU doesn't mean he's not screwing other teams, too.

16 Georgia
17 South Florida
18 Arkansas
19 Virginia Tech
20 Clemson
21 Missouri
22 Cincinnati
23 Appalachian St.
24 Rutgers

Teams in this grouping that have lost a game: 3. Georgia, Arkansas, and Virginia Tech. Football Championship Series teams: 1. These teams are all apparently better than Rutgers. Yeah fucking right. Rutgers would be favored in every single one of these games. Even at Virginia Tech.

Props, though, for the Cincinnati ranking. Unfortunately, everything else was so retarded that it clouds the praise.

25 Georgia Tech

Didn't want to leave #25 out.