Bernie Morris 4 Heisman

Chuck Landon is one of our nation's most prized treasures. Nobody could write the type of just absolute comedy that he writes without secretly being in on the joke. Hell, he even has a mullett. How can you get funnier than that? You can't.

He's the new Seinfeld. Or at least the new Jeff Foxworthy. Either way, he's funny.

And he decided to get funny like a clown in his latest offering. Kill me softly Chuck Landon:

Marshall QB is in a zone

OK, apparently this article is about Chad Pennington.

HUNTINGTON -- There is a good reason why Bernard Morris is enjoying the best preseason camp in his Marshall University football career.

I was wrong.

It's because the senior quarterback has gotten back in his comfort zone.

By going back to the future.

First off, what is Bernie Morris' comfort zone? Is it the one where he has thrown way more interceptions that touchdowns in his career? Is it the one where he has a losing record as a starter? Is it that one Chuck? Tell me!

Also, why would you reference Back to the Future, a movie only 22 years old. The only "logical" reason I can come up with is that you're secretly pro-Parkinson's Disease. You bastard.

Morris looks better than ever heading into the 2007 season because the offense has returned to his roots in the program.

I once took a shit and it looked better than my last shit, which was kind of green. Is this the same thing?

"I feel comfortable with the offense," said the Herd's starting quarterback. "It's similar to what we did back when Stan (Hill) and Graham (Gochneaur) were here in '03 and '04.

"The offense hasn't really changed that much. We've got some new things and a lot of small adjustments here and there, but it's pretty much the same offense as back then.

"Those old guys could probably come back here and look at our playbook and recognize a lot of stuff that we're running right now. It's the same offense as when I was a freshman and redshirt freshman.

Yes, it's the same plays that haven't worked since 2003. Luckily for you, the smart guy that you are, it's apparently taken 5 years and offensive coordinator Larry Kueck dumbing down the offense for you to finally learn all those plays.

"You know, Coach (Larry) Kueck (offensive coordinator) has a wonderful system. He takes pride in teaching it to the young guys and even the old guys. And once you learn it, I think it's something good that you can take away from Marshall, as far the type of offense that Coach Kueck has."

Morris showed how much more comfortable he is again Saturday during the second officiated scrimmage of camp here at Edwards Field. During a day that was devoted more to young players, Morris nearly was perfect on the first-team offense's opening drive, completing 8 of 10 passes for 83.

Although the drive ended when reserve running back Kelvin Turner fumbled, Morris was impressive as he ran the offense.

When I read about this drive, I like to picture Bernie Morris so confused that he has orchestrated a drive and hadn't yet turned the ball over that he stripped Kelvin Turner himself just so all was right with the world again. Anybody else thinking the same thing?

That's because this offense plays to Morris' strengths more than the run-oriented offenses did the past two seasons. It simply fits Morris much better.

"It does," the 6-foot-4, 220-pound senior said. "We have a few quarterback option plays where if you're a mobile quarterback you can take advantage of it. But it's really based on mismatches on the field. We try to get the ball into the best player's hands on a certain call.

"With the plays that we have now, it's just too easy to get the ball where it needs to be. We just have to execute and be disciplined and know what we have to do on Saturday."

This offense is predicated on Morris being able to kick down on his progression reads.

"If it's not there, just try to get the ball out of my hands and not try to run the ball all the time," said Morris, who has passed for 2,468 yards and 14 touchdowns in his career.

By the third quarter of the WVU game, they'll have to remind Bernie that when he gets the ball out of his hands, he should at least attempt to not throw it to the other team. Unfortunately for Bernie, INTs and being 6'4" are the only things he's good at.

That concept is much different than last year's "let-Bernie-run" offensive philosophy. Morris had 82 rushes for 324 yards in '06 and was the Herd's No. 2 rusher.

I really hope the playbook was titled, "let-Bernie-run."

All that has changed now that the offense is reverting back to its pass-happy days.

This is going to end VERY badly.

That explains why Morris did so much mental preparation for this season during the summer months.

"I did a lot of watching film of spring football practice to see how I was throwing the ball," said Morris. "I watched Brian (Anderson) and Wes (Beardain). We all sat in the film room and tried to make our corrections in there and, then, bring them into two-a-days."

It was simply a matter of self-critique.

"You've got to be hard on yourself ever now and the," Morris said. "That's the only way you can get better. Coach Kueck does a wonderful job of getting on you on the field and trying to get you into game-like situations.

"He's on your back, but at the same time you have to think and react."

At least Bernie knows that as the starting quarterback of a I-A school, he has to think and react. $20 says Rex Grossman is his idol. If only we could compare black quarterbacks to white quarterbacks. If only.