Chubb Small: Hilarious Name/Person

Surely he can't be serious. Not even someone the strongest prescription of Prozac could be this cheery and upbeat. But yet, Chubb Small stands before us a regular sunflower of optimism.

Witness Chubb preach the 0-6 gospel, using Chuck Landon as his humble scribe:

TULSA, Okla. -- Most 0-6 teams would be coming apart at the seams right about now.

There would be dissension here, pointing fingers there, giving up everywhere.

That's what makes Marshall University so amazing.

Or bad at football. What's really amazing is the alarming rate at which they're losing football games.

Despite losing to Tulsa, 38-31, here Saturday for its sixth straight loss of the season, the winless Herd remains relentlessly upbeat and optimistic.

"That's because we know we're a good team," said running back Chubb Small, after rushing for 53 yards on 11 carries and scoring a career-high two touchdowns. "We know if we band together, everything will come. You can't get down because we're losing. We'll always be winners whether we're 0-12 or 12-0.

"We can be winners at heart."

Actually, dictionary.com defines winner as "one that wins, especially a victor in sports or a notably successful person." So you can see, Chubb, you're not winners. Not even close. You're 0-6, which I'm pretty sure is exactly the opposite of being a winner. In fact, with the help of my online dictionary, loser is defined as "one that fails to win: the losers of the game." See, that's more like it. If you had to describe Marshall this season, wouldn't "one that fails to win" work pretty well?

I thought so.

UPDATE: Which is worse: Marshall's season or this guy's career?

In No Way Does This Make You Look Slutty

Well, you knew it was only a matter of time until a story broke out of Huntington about a male strip club disguised as a Big Green fundraiser. It was inevitable.

But who knew it would be this good? The pictures, the quotes...it's almost sensory overload.

Usually I would just point you in the direction of the article to read the quotes and see the pictures, but that just wouldn't be doing this gem of an article justice. Enjoy.

"We are Marshall's biggest fans, literally," Angelo said. "It's girls night out, we are having a great time. The girls make new friends and builds camaraderie for the big games."

The coaches pulled volunteers out of the crowd, making for an interactive experience that offered a hands-on look at the game.

"It's a lot of fun to get off the field for a little bit and give back to the ladies of the community," Lauzon said. "They get to meet the athletes and get close to us. It makes them pay attention to what we do a little more."

"This is my 18th one of these and this might be No. 1 of the 18," Gale said. "This is an opportunity to take football to an intermediate level where everyone can learn a little bit. I'm looking forward to seeing No. 19 next year."

[courtesy of Deadspin, tip via APH]

Just A Friendly Reminder

Mark Snyder, Et. Al., Are Delusional

Usually, I would just write-off a bad Chuck Landon article as Chuck being Chuck. He's just so far gone that there's not much use even making fun of him.

But this latest article is not Chuck being Chuck. Chuck isn't even the problem with this article. No, the problem of this article is a much bigger deal than the mere Chuck Landon: it's Mark Snyder, head coach of Marshall.

Let's take a closer look.

MU coaches saw positives in loss

I could see a lot of positives in a 28 point loss too, if I were on acid.

MIAMI - Mark Snyder wasn't happy.

Don't entertain that inane notion for even part of a minute.

The ultra-competitive Marshall University head football coach never will be content with losing, 31-3, like his Herd did Saturday against the Miami Hurricanes before 39,830 fans in the Orange Bowl.

This all seems pretty reasonable. Who would be content with losing 31-3?

Yet, there was a discernible difference in Snyder's demeanor during his post-game press conference.

Despite MU not scoring a touchdown, committing four turnover [sic] and incurring 12 penalties, Snyder actually was - gasp - encouraged by the Herd's season-opening performance.

Here's where everything goes very, very wrong.

Take a look at the first part of this sentence: " Despite MU not scoring a touchdown, committing four turnover [sic] and incurring 12 penalties..." This is basically the worst-case scenario for a team in any game, no matter who you're playing. The only thing worse is if the bus broke down on the way to the game and the team had to forfeit.

Then how in the world are you encouraged by any of this? Because the bus didn't break down? I would be encouraged with the bus company on that one, not my football team.

"I'm not happy about it," said Snyder emphasizing that point. "I'm not saying that. But I'm encouraged about my team, yeah. It's no moral victory or anything like that. I'm still PO'd I got beat. But I think we're a better football team.

A better football team than what? Last year? Would last year have scored less? Maybe 2? 0? Negative 4? Was last year's team so bad they would have intentionally sabotaged the bus? How damnit?!?!

"Standing on that sideline, I've got more options to go to, I've got more weapons. We've just got to make sure we bring it all together. I told the kids, 'Don't be happy that we got beat, because we got beat.' We've beaten teams like this before.

I'm not 100% sure they have beaten teams like that before.

Since 2005, when Mark Snyder took over as head coach, here is the list of teams that Marshall has beaten:

William & Mary
SMU
UAB
Tulane
Hofstra
UAB (again)
Memphis
Tulane (again)
UTEP

Do you see Miami on that list? Do you see any BCS schools on that last? So I guess I AM 100% sure they have not beaten teams like that before.

"We're just not quite there yet."

Indeed, they're not. That was obvious last Saturday and it will be obvious again this Saturday when Marshall is host to No. 3 West Virginia University at Edwards Stadium. The Herd simply isn't good enough yet to beat such high-profile programs.

This job isn't as fun when Chuck Landon and Mark Snyder are doing my job for me.

Count standout senior center Doug Legursky among the encouraged, also.

"We showed a lot of good things," said the Beckley native. "We moved the ball like crazy (234 yards total offense). Our defense had some great stops. We were pretty good on special teams today. We had a lot of things that we can build on. That's just what we have to do."

You know your program sucks when "moving the ball like crazy" means 234 yards total offense. You also know your program sucks when "our defense had some great stops" means giving up 31 points. Lastly, you know your program sucks when it says Marshall on your jersey.

Bernie Morris 4 Heisman

Chuck Landon is one of our nation's most prized treasures. Nobody could write the type of just absolute comedy that he writes without secretly being in on the joke. Hell, he even has a mullett. How can you get funnier than that? You can't.

He's the new Seinfeld. Or at least the new Jeff Foxworthy. Either way, he's funny.

And he decided to get funny like a clown in his latest offering. Kill me softly Chuck Landon:

Marshall QB is in a zone

OK, apparently this article is about Chad Pennington.

HUNTINGTON -- There is a good reason why Bernard Morris is enjoying the best preseason camp in his Marshall University football career.

I was wrong.

It's because the senior quarterback has gotten back in his comfort zone.

By going back to the future.

First off, what is Bernie Morris' comfort zone? Is it the one where he has thrown way more interceptions that touchdowns in his career? Is it the one where he has a losing record as a starter? Is it that one Chuck? Tell me!

Also, why would you reference Back to the Future, a movie only 22 years old. The only "logical" reason I can come up with is that you're secretly pro-Parkinson's Disease. You bastard.

Morris looks better than ever heading into the 2007 season because the offense has returned to his roots in the program.

I once took a shit and it looked better than my last shit, which was kind of green. Is this the same thing?

"I feel comfortable with the offense," said the Herd's starting quarterback. "It's similar to what we did back when Stan (Hill) and Graham (Gochneaur) were here in '03 and '04.

"The offense hasn't really changed that much. We've got some new things and a lot of small adjustments here and there, but it's pretty much the same offense as back then.

"Those old guys could probably come back here and look at our playbook and recognize a lot of stuff that we're running right now. It's the same offense as when I was a freshman and redshirt freshman.

Yes, it's the same plays that haven't worked since 2003. Luckily for you, the smart guy that you are, it's apparently taken 5 years and offensive coordinator Larry Kueck dumbing down the offense for you to finally learn all those plays.

"You know, Coach (Larry) Kueck (offensive coordinator) has a wonderful system. He takes pride in teaching it to the young guys and even the old guys. And once you learn it, I think it's something good that you can take away from Marshall, as far the type of offense that Coach Kueck has."

Morris showed how much more comfortable he is again Saturday during the second officiated scrimmage of camp here at Edwards Field. During a day that was devoted more to young players, Morris nearly was perfect on the first-team offense's opening drive, completing 8 of 10 passes for 83.

Although the drive ended when reserve running back Kelvin Turner fumbled, Morris was impressive as he ran the offense.

When I read about this drive, I like to picture Bernie Morris so confused that he has orchestrated a drive and hadn't yet turned the ball over that he stripped Kelvin Turner himself just so all was right with the world again. Anybody else thinking the same thing?

That's because this offense plays to Morris' strengths more than the run-oriented offenses did the past two seasons. It simply fits Morris much better.

"It does," the 6-foot-4, 220-pound senior said. "We have a few quarterback option plays where if you're a mobile quarterback you can take advantage of it. But it's really based on mismatches on the field. We try to get the ball into the best player's hands on a certain call.

"With the plays that we have now, it's just too easy to get the ball where it needs to be. We just have to execute and be disciplined and know what we have to do on Saturday."

This offense is predicated on Morris being able to kick down on his progression reads.

"If it's not there, just try to get the ball out of my hands and not try to run the ball all the time," said Morris, who has passed for 2,468 yards and 14 touchdowns in his career.

By the third quarter of the WVU game, they'll have to remind Bernie that when he gets the ball out of his hands, he should at least attempt to not throw it to the other team. Unfortunately for Bernie, INTs and being 6'4" are the only things he's good at.

That concept is much different than last year's "let-Bernie-run" offensive philosophy. Morris had 82 rushes for 324 yards in '06 and was the Herd's No. 2 rusher.

I really hope the playbook was titled, "let-Bernie-run."

All that has changed now that the offense is reverting back to its pass-happy days.

This is going to end VERY badly.

That explains why Morris did so much mental preparation for this season during the summer months.

"I did a lot of watching film of spring football practice to see how I was throwing the ball," said Morris. "I watched Brian (Anderson) and Wes (Beardain). We all sat in the film room and tried to make our corrections in there and, then, bring them into two-a-days."

It was simply a matter of self-critique.

"You've got to be hard on yourself ever now and the," Morris said. "That's the only way you can get better. Coach Kueck does a wonderful job of getting on you on the field and trying to get you into game-like situations.

"He's on your back, but at the same time you have to think and react."

At least Bernie knows that as the starting quarterback of a I-A school, he has to think and react. $20 says Rex Grossman is his idol. If only we could compare black quarterbacks to white quarterbacks. If only.

Why Not Use Bernie Morris?

I always enjoy talking about the punting woes of bad college football teams. Marshall is no exception. Hit me with it one time Chuck Landon:

HUNTINGTON -- There is a green elephant in the room that nobody is talking about.

It is Marshall's punting ... or, lack thereof.

This crucial phase of MU's football team has been an issue since punter Marty Biagi tore the anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee while making a tackle during a special teams scrimmage in spring drills.

Punting has been a concern ever since.

Obviously, punting is a concern for Marshall, mostly because they do it A LOT. But instead of trying to find some no-name schmo to take over the punting duties, why not go with your senior quarterback and captain, Bernie Morris?

I know what you're thinking -- Bernie Morris can't kick. Well, probably not. But he won't have to if I have my way. Here's my line of thinking:

1) Bernie Morris is a bad quarterback.
2) Last year alone, he threw 12 INTs compared to only 8 TDs.
3) He can throw the ball really far.

OK, so we have no talent, a penchant for INTs, and great arm strength. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Why not just have Morris heave the ball downfield every play and pray for an INT? That will help swing the momentum that is field position. Sure, the offense won't score any points, but there was a pretty good chance that was going to happen anyway.

Genius, if you ask me.

Marshall Jokes Are Funny

Since it's a little slow today, I thought I would hit you guys up with a little joke. It's a cute little joke, so if you'd like to retell it and sound edgier, just add obscenities and hookers where you see fit.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Marshall Fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Marshall Fans too. Not really knowing what a Marshall Fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Linda has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Marshall Fan," she reports. "Then," asks the teacher "What are you?" "I'm a Mountaineer Fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Linda why she is a Mountaineer Fan. "Well, my dad and mom are Mountaineer Fans, so I'm an 'Eer fan too," she responds. The teacher is angry now. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"

Linda smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Marshall Fan."

Marshall In QB Clusterfuck

Doug Smock has just a jewel of an article in this morning's Charleston Gazette. Let's get right down to picking this thing apart.

HUNTINGTON — Is there room for two quarterback controversies on the same football team?

Oops, there I am, being the troublemaker again. Mea culpa.

I told you this was going to be a good one. Marshall, a team that went 5-7 last year, has not one, but two quarterback controversies? One is bad enough, but two is probably going to result in gunfire.

But seriously, there are indeed two levels of interest at the quarterback position at Marshall. For starters, there is Brian Anderson’s quest to run down incumbent Bernard Morris and seize the No. 1 spot. Then there is the battle of the well-touted true freshmen, Mark Cann vs. Chris Smith.

Glad we got serious, Doug.

Though I wish you wouldn't tell me that there are two levels of interest at the quarterback position at Marshall. Let the reader decide for themselves. My decision is that, instead of two, there are negative four levels of interest.

First, the big battle, which is becoming fun to watch. I know, I know, the Chuck Spearman/Alex English faction of fans crowned Anderson the best man last spring, and probably wants Cann to start against Miami 19 days from now. But objectively, this race is now getting good.

I have absolutely no idea what this means. Alex English played in the NBA in the late 70s and throughout the 80s, mostly with the Denver Nuggets. I googled "Chuck Spearman" and couldn't find anything, so I am just going to assume he is a figment of Doug's imagination. So, apparently, the made-up person/80s NBA player faction of fans thought Anderson was great last year and wants Cann to start against Miami this season.

Glad we settled that.

Let's skip ahead a few paragraphs...

His biggest play, a 41-yard bomb to [Darius] Passmore, can be debated. Passmore was wearing two defenders and still caught the ball with some ease — kind of reminiscent of 10 years ago when Chad Pennington tossed it in the general direction of another No. 88, and all defenders were helpless to do anything about it.

So the big question: Was it a good decision or not by Anderson?

Yes, let's go ahead and compare Brian Anderson to Chad Pennington and Darius Passmore to Randy Moss. This seems logical. Anderson is white, Pennington is white. They both play QB. Passmore is black, Moss is black. They both play WR. Perfect.

“[He’s pushing Morris] a lot,” Snyder said. “We’re giving them equal reps and Brian’s doing OK, and Bernie’s doing OK. Both of them still can get better. We’ve got a long way to go.”

Morris wasn’t incompetent Saturday, going 6-of-10 for 52 yards. He had a little bad luck himself — Zearrick Matthews broke up what looked like a sure touchdown pass to Passmore. He threw a good pass to Spann on the far sideline, made a good check-down or two, etc.

Bernie Morris wasn't incompetent? Don't believe it. I need to see video confirmation of this before I'll allow Doug Smock to convince me of this.

But he had his off moments. Aaron Johnson muffed a “pick-six” deep in the offense’s territory, on a ball Morris should never have thrown. Michael Janac rejected another pass, but could well have pulled it down for another interception.

That's more like it. All is right with the world again. The sky is blue and Bernie Morris sucks. Whew.

At this point, I guess I should deal with the second of the negative four QB battles in Marshall camp this fall. It's Cann vs. Smith, which is like Ali-Frazier, except not.

Then there is Cann vs. Smith, and this isn’t just a down-the-road deal. While both figure to keep their redshirts, barring disaster, the winner stands to travel on road trips — and perhaps sneak ahead of Wesley Beardain on the depth chart.

(Beardain, who has to lead all QBs in interceptions and near-picks in camp, had a big scrimmage himself, going 5-of-7 for 105 yards.)

I’ve already heard the murmurs: Smith has the inside lane here and always will, being from across the river and with Snyder knowing his father well, and all that stuff.

Phooey on that, I hope.

Good use of the word "phooey." I have no joke for that.

As for the actual battle, they're going to give it to Chris Smith because he's from hell (read: Ohio) and Snyder knows his dad? What is this, little league? I would definitely base my subsidized athletic department's future on these two factors. Good work Mark Snyder.

You know how Rich Rodriguez always talks about his young son committing to play for the Mountaineers as a QB? If it is up to Snyder, I think he'd go ahead and play him now. Sure he's like 5 years old and we have all-American Pat White, but fuck it. Let's go with who we know.

Typical Homecoming Crowd at Marshall

Depth a Luxury for Snyder, Talent Not

Herald-Disptach: Depth a new luxury for Snyder

Those folks in Huntington sure are an optimistic bunch. The newest ray of light comes in the form of competition at every position across the Marshall lineup. Nevermind the fact that there is the same competition down the road at Wayne County High School.

Here are a few excerpts from Anthony Hanshew's article...

Marshall University's third-year head football coach obviously is pleased with the recent talent upgrades to the program, a sentiment he shared during Friday's Football Media Day at Joan C. Edwards Stadium. Coordinators Larry Kueck and Steve Dunlap echoed Snyder's take at the media day podium, saying veterans simply can't assume starting roles.

The veterans weren't any good, so this is probably a good thing. The term "returning starter" in Huntington is a definite negative.

"Kids aren't dumb," Snyder said.

They are at Marshall.

"You try to sell what you have, and we tried to sell competition but we were down numbers -- huge numbers. And we're still down a little bit, but it's a far cry from where it was."

Marshall went 4-7 in 2005 and 5-7 in 2006. In 2007, College Football News has predicted a record of 6-6, including a win over Colonial Athletic Association powerhouse New Hampshire. You're actually right where you were before.

No one on Snyder's coaching staff is complaining about too many players at too many positions.

Thank you Cpt. Obvious. I doubt even Mack Brown or Jim Tressel could even say that with a straight face.

"We've got more competition here than we've had the last several years," said Kueck, the Thundering Herd's veteran offensive coordinator. "We're still not where we're going to be, (but) offensively this was a tremendous recruiting class."

"Now when you start stacking those recruiting classes, you've got a chance to really build a football program here."

Now, I am not one to put a whole lot of faith in recruiting rankings. But just to bring down Larry Kueck's excitement level a little bit, last year's class at Marshall was ranked 71st by Scout.com. Just to give you an idea how bad that is, both Duke and Troy tied for 64th. Baylor almost snuck into the top 50 at 52nd. So if Kueck is talking about stacking 71st ranked recruiting classes, the football program he is building looks to be Temple...which was just behind Marshall with the 75th ranked class.